Sunday Musings 04302023

I skipped a week – I’m sorry for that. I’m not sure what I even did last Sunday. I think I just relaxed and vegged out. That’s necessary sometimes.

Anyways… late last night I started thinking about that perfect Christmas (early and weird I know) and had a brief thought: what if you paid actors to celebrate your perfect holiday? Would it be offensive if someone else paid actors to come to your celebration?

Stick with me… I know, you may be considering unsubscribing or calling someone for a well-being check… but wouldn’t there be some level of magic to fully experience a celebration where everyone wants to be there (in this case, it’d be an illusion), everyone would be dressed in their best (which makes me sound snotty), and the reception of your well thought out menu would be celebrated. The decor would be photo-worthy and Santa would make a surprise appearance with gifts for everyone.

I’ve probably watched too many movies and been let down by the lack of enthusiasm that has greeted my attention to detail. I just long for a holiday soirée that feels over-the-top in magic. There’d be a buffet, hot cocoa bar, champagne, nutcrackers, Christmas music, and caroling. Everyone filled with joy and warmth as the snow fell outside.

Maybe I’ll plan out this party and sketch how my home would look, room by room. I’d take extra time to ensure each light twinkles a little more than the last.

I’m not sure why this popped into my head when sleep was looming. The mind has a way to make you consider the sources of your flaws, your disappointment, your mistakes, your anxiety. Maybe it’s a secret wish that hides in the corner of your heart. I suppose it’s a bit of everything.

The truth is – growing up Halloween was my holiday. My mom wasn’t into decorating for Halloween so I was on my own with tiny trinkets I could sneak on shelves. We never decorated for Thanksgiving, but the Saturday after Thanksgiving there was a procession of Christmas decorations coming up from storage. Bin and bin, lights were strung and the house turned into Santa’s workshop. It’d take all day: furniture would get moved, the tree (always fake) would take prominent display.

As we all ages, Christmas started to look different. My brothers would be off on new adventures and slowly the Christmas celebration would start creeping into different months – the earliest being September. The bins would stay in storage and our big tree replaced by a skinny tree I bought at Target. My parents would leave earlier and earlier for Florida and if I didn’t travel to visit them for the week, I’d be home watching B-movies and watching Chinese food. Alone in the corner, my skinny tree, with a few miss-matched decorations and lights. There were no gifts but that didn’t matter.

I’m not sure how many years this went on – but I had gotten this desire, this need, to have a big Christmas celebration with all of my family. I begged each year… and finally it happened. I’m sure I’ve wrote about this before, but my parents were coming home for Christmas.

When the decision was made, my mom sent a text to the group chat with my brothers and I. She simply said: We’ll be home for Christmas and expect you all to be there Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It didn’t go well, but she instructed that they had months to figure out other plans. It was the least they could do. My brother who lives in Texas didn’t come up with his family, but my other brothers were there with their families.

This was it. I had it all planned: custom cocktails, hot cocoa, food and games… and brunch the next morning, a huge dinner. I was going to get everyone matching pajamas but didn’t have the resources at the time.

It didn’t matter. No one wanted to be there and everyone had something negative to say. Years had passed and we got together the year Matt and I got married. Hot off of disappointment, no one would make eye contact. The gifts were limited (we adopted drawing names a few years back) and while that doesn’t matter – it just feels so unenthusiastic. So forced. Someone was missed (my mom) and the celebration felt cut-rate.

I don’t need gifts but I do need people around who want to be there. This is why I think paying people might be the best option. God, writing that out makes me sound pathetic, desperate, and alone. I’m not – I just want a magical holiday celebration. I want what I see in the movies and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

Perhaps a psychologist will see this and be inspired to write a self-help for Christmas dreamers.

Anyways – let me know what you think! I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Xo love kim


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