A Question of Grief

Before we begin, please note that this post contains commentary about pet loss, death, and grief. This may be triggering for some readers.

Friends, there’s no easy way to say this: my cat had to be put down on Tuesday. She was declining in health – with her heart and kidneys. She lost her appetite (which was the biggest change to my little piglet) and couldn’t jump into high places any longer. Monday night she couldn’t see, her retina had detached, and would groan in pain. She had just gone to the vet where she was prescribed antibiotics for bronchitis and possible inner-ear infection. I was so thankful to just hold her on Monday night and be with her.

Her decline was fast, but also steady. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but last year I knew that time was limited. I’d cry each night in preparation. I’d prepare myself the best I knew how: envision opening the shower without her there, stare at her favorite spots knowing they’d be empty. I think that silent suffering prompted the discussion to get a new cat. Thankfully we did.

On the contrary, when Miss Kitty died I had no inclination. It was early in the morning and before I knew it – she was gone. There was no time to prepare. Life changed in a flash.

This left me wondering: is it better to know?

That’s the thing, death is inevitable. It’s the big end that happens to all of us. We could spend our whole lives waiting for it – which, we do. But I’m not talking about the massive unknown, we all die, everything ends death. I’m talking the: this will happen and it will happen soon. Like a terminal cancer diagnosis vs a car accident.

I can see the pros and cons of both. I made myself physically ill over Sid, but the grief doesn’t seem as overbearing as it was with Miss Kitty. Maybe it helps to know that Sid had Miss Kitty waiting for her. Sid’s death also made me less afraid to die. I know I’ll see her again – I hope.

I’m not a religious person and I have a lot of unknowns about the afterlife. I ask too many questions that would poke too many holes… there’s no way to survive without hope though.

Grief has a way of putting things into perspective and it’s a constant and lucid emotional response. Fluid maybe.

The one thing that I know about grief is that it just shows you the beauty in life. It’s fragile and there are so many little things that happen that make it shitty and beautiful and fun and maddening and magical. Grief just reminds us that for a moment we had something really special. And that’s all anything is about.

Take time and enjoy all of the beauty my friends.

Xo love kim

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