Sunday Musings 121122

It’s our anniversary! One year of marriage and a whole lifetime of memories. I have so many little things that mean so many things – but it’s hard to articulate them. Well, not hard – but vulnerable. Honesty in feelings is complicated to navigate.

Our wedding day, and the days after, we’re filled with content and joy. Still now, I feel a deep gratitude and warmth to my husband. He will do everything and anything to make sure I’m happy. He’s logical and kind and will always do everything to ensure our individual and joint success.

Our wedding day was perfect. It embraced hygge in every possible way. It was us. But, as I mentioned before, we had a small, bespoke wedding and a lot of people were not included on our guest list. This has impacted us in strange ways, but I do understand the hurt people have felt. It’s just how you choose to deal with that (on both sides, honestly) that speaks volumes. I have family who won’t speak to me and friends who still bring it up. Jen Glantz articulated this feeling: it’s not regret but guilt.

I don’t know that I have a solution. I’ve gotten my answers and now need to grieve and move on. The loss of people from your life, toxic or not, still has an effect. In a documentary about Nora Ephron, they brought up how Nora was so successful as writing about her life but didn’t tell anyone she was sick. She could control the narrative on the things she lost but couldn’t talk about the things that were still fresh. Does that make sense? They did a much better job explaining this and it resonated with me. I think to sum it up – I’ll be ready to talk about things I’ve lost soon. Talking about the intricacies of marriage may come snippets.

I sound vague which is annoying. I’m incredibly in love and want everyone to know how great it is to have this feeling. I’m also very perplexed and sad and angry because of the reaction to such happiness.

I don’t know – I’m struggling to find the right words. It’s the culmination of so many things that I’d never thought were possible. After 30-odd years of believing certain undeniable truths and then discovering an entire possibility of a new truth – it’s hard to articulate outside of saying it’s a scary excitement. Matt and I are approaching 9 years, but marriage changes it. It makes it more important.

I’ll find better words eventually. It’s Sunday and at the moment, words are less important to say and more important to feel.

Xo love kim

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