Everyone grieves in different ways and for different reasons. Some people just know how to handle their emotions and others like to hide from them. I am of the latter. Now, I wasn’t always like this – but I started to train myself to say “you’re being irrational and stop feeling that. Pivot.” I can’t pinpoint when or why – but it happened.
Let’s get this all out on the table with a first, but obvious truth: 2020 piled on the anxiety, grief, and anger. Regardless of our side of the aisle – we were always angry at others for their behavior, everyone became an enemy, and everyone was literally trying to killing you at all times.
I may have mentioned this in a previous post, but my aunt passed away in April 2020 from Covid-19. Here’s the thing – the late part of 2019 nagged at me to go visit her. I knew I needed to go. Every night before I would fall asleep, I’d make a plan to go see her on the weekend, but the rush of the day wiped my memory. It was an excuse and one that I deeply regret. I don’t know if she knew how much I loved her and I never got a chance to say goodbye.
Fast forward to 2021 – where everyone was filled with hope. Or at least I was. The worst was behind us – but I can’t seem to escape a pile of bad news. I’m unable to appropriately grieve before something else happens.
January
The United States capital building was taken. It sounded like a plot of a really bad action film, but instead hatred unfolded on national television. This left me feeling unsafe and shocked. I think we all collectively moved passed this – but the feeling lingers.
February
I quit smoking.
March
Hallmark announced that Home and Family would be on its last season. Canceled into oblivion. I get it – it’s only a TV show – but to me it’s more. Home and Family was a break from the bad and something so important.
April
April was really bad. My cat passed away suddenly of heart failure. I will spare you the details but my a piece of my heart died with her.
May
My Grandmother passed away in May, of heart failure. Shortly following her death, my co-worker announced that she was diagnosed with a rare form of ovarian cancer.
It’s been a lot of process and I’m honestly not doing it justice. I’ve realized that I have cumulative grief. I feel guilty for not doing enough and this grief is making me push people away.
Beliefs
When I was younger, my uncle passed away unexpectedly. I overhead his girlfriend say that he knew he was going to die because he started asking her about her beliefs/religion thought. At the age of 11, you can see how this would make an impact. Now at the age of 36, it lingers in the background. Like the universe is screaming, “you’re next.”
When you’re hit with someone close to you or a pet dying – you’re faced with your own mortality.
When your grandparents die – it’s like you move up in line.
-Me
I don’t know what I believe in and I don’t know what happens when you pass. Maybe that plays into my anxiety and confusion and guilt as well.
What’s Next?
Honestly, I am taking this all day by day. I just signed up for a webinar offered through my employer about grief. I’m being patient with myself, journaling, and trying to keep everything in perspective. I’m also making time to do things I enjoy (blogging!). I have to take this day-by-day.
If you are struggling with your mental health or need to talk to someone, visit this Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Administration.
xo love kim
